Cause and Effect
by Sparky75
Summary: Set after Lucas jumps off the Enver Tower at the end of series 9. As the ramifications over Albany start, Ruth comes to realise that she still needs the one person she's been pushing away - but does he still need her?
1. Chapter 1

A multi-chapter fic (it could be two chapters, it could be more) which was triggered after thinking about Ruth's personality change in s9 and what happened between her and Harry to get them back to being on speaking terms. This won't fit into the canon timeline of the show so much, as I'm kind of disregarding s10, but is an attempt to try and make sense of what happened and how they got past the whole Albany issue and Ruth's 'dead inside' feeling. I do hope you enjoy and any comments are always welcome...

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Harry shut the front door behind him wearily and sank back against it. He was alone for what seemed like the first time in hours, the first time since Lucas... no make that John Bateman, had elected to do a swan dive off the top of the Enver Tower. He'd had some bad days in the past, some absolutely colossally horrific days in the past if he was being honest with himself, but today had been up there with the very worst. He slid to the floor slowly, his back still resting against the door, his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his face as he relived the day in snapshot after snapshot, Lucas going rogue, the death of an innocent youth who'd probably jumped at the chance to make a quick fifty quid 'playing a prank', Ruth being taken, handing over Albany and then losing it completely, Ruth telling him he shouldn't have bothered and then to top it all off, really, truly believing he was about to die and instead witnessing the death of a man he'd obviously never really known but had spent much of the past 9 years feeling guilty about.

It was at times like this he missed Ros and Adam terribly, both of them would have stepped up and helped, been someone to confide in, get support from. The team he had at the moment was green at best and his one confidant, the one person he'd trusted over all others, seemed to have become a different person over the last few months. After the difficulties over Ruth's initial return, they'd fallen back into the same habits as before without realising it was happening. They'd even managed to spend a few evenings together as friends outside of work enjoying each others company, yet after his poorly timed proposal, which Harry had to admit to himself, wasn't his finest moment, it was if a switch had been flicked inside her. The warm hearted, caring person he'd known had suddenly erected barriers around herself that he just couldn't fathom and despite him not handling her rejection particularly well initially, she had chosen to keep shutting him out, culminating in her telling him earlier today that it was unfair of him to love her.

He was interrupted from his maudlin thoughts by Scarlett attempting to climb onto his lap and lick his face; she'd come to investigate why he hadn't come straight into the kitchen to see her as he normally did. She was growing old now and had long since given up rushing to meet him as soon as she heard his key in the door, but her warm tongue and the squirming brought him out of thoughts. "Hello old girl," he murmured as he scratched her ears, "at least I know there's always someone glad to see me." He sighed softly as he uttered, "and you're possibly the only one left who is," quietly to himself more than Scarlett. He shook his head furiously at himself, trying to drag himself out of his dark mind-set as he slowly got to his feet and made his way through to the kitchen. He pottered round the kitchen slowly, letting Scarlett out into the garden quickly before getting food and water for her. His head was pounding from the strike he'd taken on the forehead earlier, it had now fortunately stopped bleeding which justified his earlier decision not to take up Towers' offer of getting a nurse in quickly to 'stitch him up'. It wouldn't have been the only stich up he thought darkly, it seemed his actions today hadn't been well received in the upper echelons, as he'd known would be the case and Towers had barely been able to contain his anger with him.

Closing and locking the door behind Scarlett as she re-entered the kitchen after finishing her evening ablutions, he made his way slowly into the living room. He supposed he should really think about food given he hadn't had anything since the almond croissant he'd bought on his way into work that morning, but despite his stomach feeling decidedly hollow, he continued towards his chosen destination. Taking the lid off the decanter, he poured himself a very generous measure of a very good single malt and knocked it back in one go. Whoever said drinking didn't help, he thought darkly, obviously hasn't been in my shoes, it might not actually solve any of the many problems he was facing, but it would help alleviate the crushing sense of failure and despondency he was feeling, even if only temporarily.

Pouring himself another three fingers he took his glass and sank down into his favourite armchair. It had been here, he recalled, that he'd been sitting when he realised Connie had set him up and CO19 had burst through the windows. He smiled to himself wryly as he took another large mouthful of the amber drink and felt the burn as it made its way down his throat and hit his empty stomach; he thought he'd been in his worst ever position then as Section Head, that he'd hit rock bottom, but that didn't even come close to this. Then he'd been suspected of treason... now he'd actually committed it and whatever justifications he used to himself, he couldn't get past that and what was worse, was knowing, that despite everything, if he was put in the same position again, he'd make exactly the same choices.

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Ruth pulled up outside his house in her car and was relieved to see the downstairs lights still on. Her nerves battled against each other and there was a persistent voice in her head, telling her to turn around, go home and go to bed. Still she knew deep within herself, that if she did that then there was no hope, Harry had put himself through hell for her today and was now paying the price. The very least she owed him was to let him know that he wasn't alone in this, that despite his actions, which she wouldn't... couldn't ever condone, that she understood why he'd done it, because when the shoe had been on the other foot and she'd been faced with the choice of saving George and Nico's lives or giving up classified information on the location of the Uranium, there had been no choice to make in her mind.

_Earlier that evening_

She'd waited for him at the Grid after the reports came through that the bomb scare had been falsified and that Lucas had jumped to his death. She hadn't known what she was going to say to him, but she needed to say something and to see him with her own two eyes to make sure he really hadn't been killed... except he hadn't returned.

Long after the others had all left, and despite Beth nearly pleading with her to come home with her, she'd stayed on the Grid waiting for his return. Her earlier tears and breakdown had brought her a clarity of thought that she'd been missing for a long time. It was this that had eventually led her to realise that by 8.30pm, there was a strong chance he wouldn't be coming back that night, if ever. Dismissing the idea of phoning him, as she was quite sure that she was one of the last people he'd want to be speaking to, she'd instead placed a couple of discreet calls into Whitehall and had driven over to his house. Finding it in darkness and with no one answering the door, she'd settled down to wait and with the heating on and still feeling the after-effects from the drugs that had earlier been used to knock her out, she drifted off into a doze.

Her patience had been rewarded 45 minutes later when a Government car had pulled up, the glare of its headlights and the sound of a car door slamming waking her and she'd watched as Harry had slowly made his way up to the front door and into the house, wearily carrying a briefcase and looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. She glanced quickly at her watch, it was 10.15pm and if she knew anything about Harry, and despite their lack of communication over the last few months, she believed she still knew him better than most, then the first thing he'd have done would have been to head over to the whisky bottle to likely top up on any he'd had earlier that evening at the Home Office. With that in mind, confident that he wouldn't be leaving the house again that night, she turned the keys in the ignition, put the car into gear and drove off.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for all the kind reviews for the last chapter, hopefully Ruth's actions will be explained a little in this. As ever, any further reviews/comments/feedback will be gratefully received.

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Harry lifted his head from where it had been resting on his right hand as Scarlett's ears pricked up. By her reactions he realised he obviously hadn't imagined the soft knock at his front door, 'well bugger whoever it is,' he thought brusquely. In his long and varied career, he'd learnt over the years that it was rare that something good ever came from someone arriving on your doorstep, late at night and unannounced. In his experience, it was either a politician up to their neck in trouble who just required a 'small favour' which in reality was a 'massive favour', or an acquaintance, usually a spy, whether friend or foe didn't really seem to matter, who had decided that this was the optimum time to have a chat. He was just glad that Graham, despite still not speaking with him, had got over his elongated rough patch and therefore he hadn't in recent times, had the police on the door wanting him to bail him out for whichever misdemeanour he'd got himself involved in this time. He therefore took an executive decision and decided to ignore whoever was at the door.

Ruth stood by the front door waiting, she'd knocked twice already and although she'd heard something, possibly Scarlett coming to investigate, there had been no sign of Harry coming to see who was there. She knocked again, louder this time, before calling out. "Harry, I know you're in there, can you please come to the door."

Inside Harry laid his head back against his chair and sighed, it seemed that whatever he'd been through today wasn't enough. He pulled himself to his feet slowly and stopping only to top up his glass with another three fingers of whisky, he made his way to his front door.

What Ruth had expected from him, she didn't know. Her thought process hadn't taken her that far, but she hadn't expected the look of pure despondency as he'd opened the door. She fixed a smile to her face as she tried to inject a little humour, "at last, I thought you were never going to answer."

"I wasn't," Harry responded, his face now completely unreadable, "I just didn't want the neighbours starting to twitch their curtains." He sighed deeply, "what do you want Ruth? As I'm sure you're blatantly aware, this hasn't really been the greatest day for me and if I'm being honest I'm knackered."

Ruth looked down at her feet, "You didn't come back to the Grid, and I wanted to see you. Make sure that you were okay."

"Well you've seen me now," Harry took a slug of his drink and swayed slightly as he did so, "and as you can see, I'm perfectly fine."

"Really, it doesn't look like that from where I'm standing." Ruth looked at him, the cut on his forehead looked nasty, his shirt looked creased and rumpled and the drink in his hand obviously wasn't his first of the evening.

"What would you know Ruth," he bit out harshly, "now at the risk of sounding rude, thank you for coming over, as I said, I'm fine and so I'll say goodnight." He went to start closing the door, but she put her hand out quickly.

"Harry, please."

"What."

"Can I come in? We need to talk about this."

"I thought you said everything you needed to say to me earlier." At Ruth's confused look he elaborated, "In my office."

"I didn't mean..."

"What? To hurt me. To tell me that it was unfair of me to love you.?" Harry took another mouthful of drink. "You may never actively set out to hurt me Ruth, but somehow you keep managing to do just that."

Ruth looked away from his face, the mask had slipped somewhat and the anguish he was feeling was in his eyes. She'd expected him to be upset after all that had happened today, but hadn't expected him to place the blame squarely on her shoulders. It appeared the whisky was loosening his tongue, or maybe the events of the day had finally forced him to say what he really felt As a wave of guilt swept through her, she pleaded with him "Please Harry, let me in, even if it's only for 5 minutes."

He sighed, but relented, opening the door a little wider to let her past him.

She didn't come in straight away, but instead picked up a large box from where it had been sitting unnoticed by him on the wall next to his front door.

"Pizza?" He looked at her with a befuddled expression.

Ruth nodded, "I'm guessing you haven't had anything to eat recently." She smiled at him tentatively, "I don't suppose they gave you anything to eat at Whitehall?"

Harry shook his head numbly as he took the box from her, "So you just decided to come round on the off chance I was home? Or are your moonlighting as a pizza delivery person and I just happened to be on your delivery route"

She smiled at his attempt at a joke. "No... I was sat outside waiting for you to arrive for about 45 minutes."

Harry looked at her in confusion, he could feel the hear of the box from where his hand was holding it underneath, "but the pizza is still warm," he glanced at his watch quickly, "and I've already been home about half an hour."

"I was waiting for your driver to bring you home, I left when I saw him drop you off and you go into your house. I thought your first port of call would be your whisky and that you probably wouldn't leave again, so I went in search of sustenance."

"Pizza?" Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise at her.

"It was the only thing I could find open near here at this time of night." She smiled at him, "it was either this, or a burger from a fast food chain." As his nose wrinkled in distaste, "I thought that this would be the lesser of two evils."

"You should have gone it the other direction." As she looked at him, he elaborated, "there's an Indian takeaway about five minutes away that I frequent rather more often than I should." His face changed as he realised that somehow they'd got completely off topic. "Why were you waiting for me anyway."

Ruth sighed, it was a conversation they needed to have but she could see the neighbours lights go on next door and she really didn't want to have this particular conversation on his front door step. "I wanted to see you, I told you that, I also wanted to make sure you got home safely, I was worried about you." At his look of disbelief, she tried a different tack. "Harry, it's really starting to get chilly, can we please go inside and sit down?"

Harry nodded slowly, it seemed she was determined and he didn't have the energy to fight any more. He closed the door behind her and led her into the living room he'd been sitting in, he wasn't in the mood to be overly polite, but his ingrained manners got the better of him, "can I get you a drink?"

"Thank you, just a glass of water please."

"Water? Are you sure?"

Ruth nodded, "after the drugs I had earlier today, I don't think anything stronger is advisable just yet and I had enough tea on the Grid earlier to sink a battleship."

Harry suddenly had a look of shock on his face as her words permeated through, "I'm sorry, I'd forgotten for a moment that you'd had a day of it too." He stumbled back into his seat and sat down looking at his feet shamefacedly. He felt sick to the stomach once again as he remembered the reason he'd committed treason in the first place, the whole day was starting to blur together as an elongated nightmare that he couldn't wake up from.

She walked over and touched his shoulder briefly in an attempt to lend him some comfort. "Tariq has obviously been taking lessons from you in how to deal with shock." As he looked up, she smiled at him tentatively, "he plied me with cup after cup of sweet tea."

"Ah, yes." Harry cleared his throat before finished off what was left in his glass. "I suppose the shock started to set in after what Lucas did to you."

"It wasn't that." Ruth said softly, willing him to understand without wanting to spell it out to him. Lucas taking her had been a horrific experience, but it had paled into insignificance compared to what she had gone through later that day when Harry had left the Grid, seemingly walking towards his own death. She'd broken down while waiting for the call to come through to confirm what had happened and hadn't been able to stop shaking for a couple of hours after that. Seeing that Harry was in no fit state to move she indicated towards the back of the house, "I take it the kitchen is back here?"

"Yes... why?"

"I'll get us some plates and and some water... for both of us." Ruth walked out of the room, leaving Harry sat with his head in his hands. As she entered the kitchen she looked around curiously, it was curiously bland and lacking in personality which was the opposite to his living room, which was oddly warm and inviting... and actually looked used. Still, she sighed to herself, it wasn't as if her house was overflowing with warmth and personality. They both spent so little time at home that she could hardly expect too much and it was to be expected that the room he used the most would show the most of him. She opened a few cupboards before finding a couple of glasses, filling them quickly, she picked up a couple of plates she'd also found in her exploration of the cupboards and along with a roll of paper towels, she loaded up a tray and headed back through to him. He was still sitting, slumped in his chair by the window and from the looks of it, he'd only moved to top up his glass again.

"Harry, you really need to eat something," she chided, as she set the tray down and opened up the box. Taking out a couple of slices for him, she put them on a plate and handed it over. He took it off her but made no move to eat, meanwhile she helped herself to some and sat down on the sofa opposite the chair he was occupying. As she took a bite she saw that he was just staring at the food listlessly, "Harry, you should really try and get something inside you, even if it's just to try and soak up some of that whisky. I know your capacity for the stuff is legendry, but if you carry on like this you're going to really be feeling it tomorrow."

Harry looked up and gave no indication that he'd heard what she'd said to him. "why are you here Ruth?"

She sighed, pausing from taking another mouthful. "I explained earlier."

He took another large mouthful of his drink, seemingly in defiance to her earlier comment. "All I wanted was to be left alone tonight, but you wouldn't even allow me that."

"Well maybe I thought you shouldn't be alone tonight." She smiled softly, hoping to break through the walls he'd suddenly erected around himself, "maybe I thought that neither of us should be alone tonight."

He leaned back in his chair breathing deeply, one hand holding his glass while the other pinched the brow of his nose while his plate balanced precariously on the arm of the chair. "And that's just it Ruth, it's always what you want... what you feel. What I want, what I need, what I feel never seems to come into the equation."

"That's not fair Harry..."

"Isn't it." He sighed loudly. "Tell me one time, just one time when what I've wanted has taken precedence over what you've wanted?"

"Now isn't the time for this Harry." Ruth said quietly, his words had had the required effect and cut her to the quick. "You're drunk, you're not thinking clearly."

Scarlett, seemingly picking up on her masters anguish moved towards him from where she'd been curled up asleep by the side of the sofa, or maybe it was the smell of the food and the chance to snaffle a slice of pepperoni. Whatever it was, her tongue licking his hand seemed to bring him round slightly. "You said 15 minutes ago, that now was the time... that we needed to talk." Harry said belligerently, picking up his plate and finally taking a mouthful of food.

"Have some food, have some water and then we can talk."

An uncomfortable silence settled around the two of them as they ate, the only sound being that of them chewing quietly and Scarlett's whine of happiness as Harry passed some pieces of meat down to her to eat.

"What did Towers say earlier when you saw him?" Ruth asked eventually, hoping to break the atmosphere which had seemed to settle around them.

"Well he wasn't best pleased as you can imagine," Harry washed a mouthful of food down with another large swig from his whisky glass. The water Ruth had brought him through remained untouched.

"No, I don't suppose he was." she replied.

"I mean, not only did I hand over a state secret to the Chinese... but I'd also been harbouring the person responsible for the bombing of the British Embassy in Dhakar for the last god knows how many years after failing to realise that he wasn't who he said he was."

"That wasn't your fault Harry, none of us had a clue."

"Well somehow I don't think Towers and the powers that be will really care about whose fault it is." Harry stood up unsteadily and refilled his glass again before returning to his seat, "It happened on my watch, it's my responsibility."

"I'll speak to him," Ruth said quickly, "he might listen to me."

Harry laughed coldly, "ah yes, I'd forgotten about your 'advisory' meetings with him." He took another large sip. "Don't bother Ruth, after today, nobody will believe anything you say about me." He sighed, "I rather tarnished your name as well in all of this."

"I don't give a damn about my name," she refuted quickly.

"Well perhaps you should," he replied quietly. He was starting to fall over his words now, with the best past of a bottle of whisky inside him. He could always give off the appearance of being sober even when he'd had a few but it appeared that tonight, he'd even surpassed that limit.

"I'll speak to him tomorrow, get him to see the other side of things."

"Do what you want Ruth, it won't make a difference." He put his half empty plate on the floor and lurched to his feet, stumbling heavily as he did so. "I'm going to bed now, the door is on a catch lock so make sure you pull it too on your way out and it'll lock behind you."

"Harry, why are you being like this?"

"I committed treason to save your life today and you told me I shouldn't have bothered. I went against everything I've stood for since joining the Service over thirty years ago." Harry looked at her, the pain evident behind his eyes, "that's what happened today."

"I was angry and upset when I said that," Ruth looked around her desperately, willing herself to find the right words to explain, something that would get through to him. "We're spies Harry, that's what we do, we give part of ourselves away everyday and whichever way you look at it, my life isn't worth what you gave up today?"

Harry looked at her puzzled, "maybe it was to me," he said softly. "Maybe that's where I've been going wrong."

"What do you mean, that's where you've been going wrong?"

"I gave up a state secret for you and you blame me for it, yet you were quite happy to give up one for George and Nico." Harry was now propped up against the door frame for support looking like he could tumble over at any stage.

"That was entirely different and you know it." Ruth responded, a hint of anger in her voice.

"Was it,' he replied softly, his voice suddenly steady. He pushed himself upright and headed towards the stairs. "It's not as if Albany was actually real," he almost whispered to himself.

Ruth look stunned and hurried out after him, "what did you just say?"

Harry shook his head tiredly, "it doesn't matter, forget about it, I shouldn't have said anything." He started to move slowly up the stairs.

"Harry?... You can't say that and then tell me to forget about it."

He gave no indication of having heard her words. "Why are you even bothering with this Ruth, why do you even care? You've made your feelings perfectly clear on a number of occasions." Harry said wearily, half to her and half to himself. as he reached the top of the stairs and looked back. "Don't forget what I said about locking up." he slurred.

She headed back into the living room realising that she'd get no further with him that night. What he had said about Albany puzzled her, but she was more concerned about how deeply her vacillating actions and words had affected him over the past few months. She lent down to pat Scarlett who had made her way over to her. "He asked me why I was bothering," she said quietly to the dog, scratching her behind the ears and making her whimper in delight "I'm bothering, because Lucas told me I'd done enough and because he told me to be brave... and I've finally realised he was right."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks to all the readers for reading this and particular thanks to all the reviewers for their kind words after the last chapter. Any feedback/thoughts/reviews would be equally welcome for this chapter... especially given how it ends!

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Harry groaned as he open his eyes slowly, he wasn't sure what had woken him and by the darkness surrounding him he surmised it was still the early hours of the morning. A further moan came out as he turned his head to look at the illuminated figures on his alarm clock, 4.30am; his head was thumping, his stomach was churning and his mouth was so dry he felt like he'd eaten a full pack of Jacobs cream crackers. As his memory of the previous day and evening came back in fits and starts, he turned his face into his pillow as he remembered the events which had caused the over consumption which he was now feeling in every part of his body. A wave of nausea struck him and he lurched out of bed, making it to the bathroom just in time. Sitting on the floor, leaning back against the bath, he wondered darkly whether it was the alcohol making him queasy or his subconscious... this introspection lasted only a few seconds before he was back on his knees retching again.

Stumbling back through to the bedroom after cleaning his teeth and getting some much needed water into his system, he was surprised to see a glass of water and a packet of paracetamol's sitting on the bedside table. He was almost sure he hadn't put them there last night, getting his trousers and shirt off had been a struggle in itself by the look of where they had fallen in the middle of the floor, never mind equipping himself for the resulting hangover. He sat down heavily on his bed while reaching for the water and taking four tablets out of the package. 'So what if it's over the prescribed dose,' was his mutinous thought as he swallowed the pills and hoping they'd provide quick relief to the cacophony currently going on in his head he lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes planning on trying to sleep out the pain.

Two minutes later he sat bolt upright dragging his hands across his face and covering his eyes in despair. Ruth... it must have been Ruth who had brought in the water and painkillers, he groaned to himself as snippets of last nights conversation filtered back through his mind. He hadn't really told her to lock the door after herself on the way out... had he? He recalled them arguing... but if he was being honest with himself, that was often the case lately; these days he couldn't seem to do right for doing wrong. These dark thoughts swirled around his mind but were quickly overtaken by thoughts of Lucas, Albany and John Bateman which he felt would continue to haunt him for the foreseeable future, a fresh wave of nausea coursed through him as he started to run through what had happened in his head. A multitude of questions ran through he thoughts at high speed, 'why did I do that?' 'What if I'd done something else instead?' 'Why hadn't Lucas come straight to him when he realised he was being blackmailed?' 'How the hell could MI5 have let in a completely different person to the one they recruited.' 'Had Lucas ever cared?'

Realising that hope of further sleep was futile and in the vain expectation that moving would stop questions he had no answers for looping around his head, he made the decision that the only thing that was going to possibly assist him in any way shape or form was a good strong cup of tea. What was it about tea and the British psyche, he mused as he shrugged on his dressing gown, that made it the answer to any type of crisis, no matter how large or small.

Hauling his body wearily down the stairs and into the kitchen, he filled up the kettle and switched it on as if on autopilot; it was only when he opened the fridge to get out the milk, that the light reflected from this cast a shadow onto Scarlett's bed... Scarlett's empty bed. A brief moment of panic seized him as he whirled around quickly - too quickly, the way his stomach and head reacted. The horrible thought went through his mind, that he'd been so wrapped up in himself the previous night, that he'd let Scarlett out to do her nightly ablutions and then had stumbled upstairs without bothering to let her in the house again. A wave of relief swept over him as quickly as the self doubt a moment earlier, 'Ruth' he thought to himself gratefully, 'Ruth had made sure he'd had water by his bed for when he woke up and it was highly likely that she'd seen to Scarlett before going home.

"Scarlett", he called out softly, mainly so that he didn't exacerbate his already pounding head, "Where have you got to you old girl?"

He heard a faint whimper and then the unmistakable sound of her scratching a door. 'Ruth must have shut her in the living room by mistake,' he thought walking over to the door briskly to let her out. Still it was better than the alternative he'd been pondering only moments before, a night outside for a dog Scarlett's age would be very uncomfortable, despite the fact that the weather was quite clement for the time of year. He opened the door and Scarlett shot out, greeting him as she used to do when she was a puppy and jumping up to his knees in joy. Bending down he scratched her behind the ears, talking to her softly as he did so. "Hey you daft dog, how did you manage to get yourself shut in here?" As she licked his hand affectionately he continued, "did you just fall asleep in here last night and..." His soft diatribe was suddenly interrupted by a gentle snore and getting to his feet quickly he walked into the room.

At first, his eyes struggled to make much out in the dark shadows, but he quickly became aware of a large lump on his sofa, covered it seemed by one of his overcoats which was usually hung by the front door. As he stepped further into the room, he could make out Ruth's features and for a moment he stood and watched her, 'how often have I dreamt of watching you sleep' he thought to himself wryly, although he'd never imagined it under these circumstances. A fresh wave of guilt hit him seconds later, as he realised that she must have been too worried about him last night to leave him to his own devices. Possibly afraid that he'd do something stupid. From the kitchen he heard the kettle boil and switch itself off and taking a last long look at Ruth, he moved back towards the other room, pulling the living room door behind him closed so as not to disturb her.

* * *

Ruth woke to a dark room and the beginnings of pins and needles in her left arm which she must have been lying on most of the night. Harry's sofa had been remarkably comfortable she thought to herself, as she turned over and stretched before bending and flexing her arm. She wasn't sure what had woken her and scrabbled round her head for her phone to see what time it was. Noting the early hour with a sigh, she closed her eyes again, hoping for a little more sleep, before a clatter and a muffled curse from outside the room made her realise that she wasn't the only one in the house awake.

* * *

Harry was staring out of the window into blackness when she entered the kitchen, seemingly lost in thought. If he'd heard the door to the living room open, he gave no indication of it as she stood at the door watching him silently across the room. It was only after a few seconds that he spoke, "Ruth," he continued to face the window as she suddenly realised that while he may not have heard her, he could see her reflection mirrored in the glass. "I'm sorry that you felt that you had to stay the night and I'm sorry that I've obviously just woken you."

Ruth stared at his back with a slightly bemused look on her face, "I wasn't sure what woke me to be honest and what do you mean when you said I felt I had to stay the night?" She wasn't yet firing on all cylinders having only had a few hours sleep, but she couldn't quite work out what he was trying to say, she hadn't felt any duty to stay, duty had been the last thing on her mind.

He turned round slowly to face her, "I'm sorry about last night," he sighed heavily, "I presume the reason you stayed was because you were worried that I'd drank too much and I'd some how make things even worse somehow or other, choke on my own vomit, or something similar?"

Ruth's face paled at this, "No, that wasn't the reason, that hadn't even crossed my mind to be honest."

"Well then... why did you?" Harry knew he was being abrupt, but he couldn't bear anymore f them talking around in circles to each other. "'I've spent a few nights on that sofa myself and while it's not too bad, it's nowhere near comparable to a bed."

"I didn't like to be presumptuous..." As Harry's eyebrows shot up at this statement, she hastily clarified, "after I brought you up the water last night, I noticed you had a spare room. I thought briefly about sleeping in there but..." She looked down at her feet as she spoke, "I didn't want to risk you leaving early in the morning and me not hear you go."

"That still doesn't explain why you stayed,"

"I was worried about you," taking in the disbelieving look on his face she continued, "not about the drinking, as drunk as you were, I'm sure last night wasn't the first time you've polished that much off and you've survived thus far... I was worried about you, about how you'd react after yesterday."

"Well as you can see Ruth, I'm fine." Harry swayed slightly as he said the words, knowing in his own mind that he was anything but fine.

She took in his bloodshot eyes, the sallow skin and the stubble on his jawline, "I'm sure you are, physically speaking, but after what happened yesterday..." she tailed off; she'd known getting through to Harry would be difficult and it appeared he wasn't going to give her an inch. Still, it was only fair after what she'd put him through, she thought to herself.

"What, you were concerned I was going to do a midnight flit or top myself?" his voice rose slightly as his spoke.

Ruth shook he head quickly, "No of course not... though I wouldn't have blamed you... the midnight flit that is, not the other thing," she clarified quickly.

"There was no chance of that even if I wanted to." Harry said with a resigned look on his face.

"But..."

"My house will have been under surveillance ever since they dropped me off last night," he paused a moment, "there's no way I'd have been allowed to disappear."

Ruth looked puzzled, "I didn't notice anyone last night."

"Presumably you weren't looking for anyone?"

She shook her head, "no, plus I fell asleep in my car waiting for you to come home when I was waiting outside initially. I should still have seen them, or at least looked for them," she looked momentarily furious with herself, "If I'd have been thinking clearly then I'd have known they'd be there."

"Don't worry yourself about it," Harry answered softly, "They're trained not to be seen, I'd have been a little annoyed if you had spotted them and hadn't ben deliberately looking for them,' he added with a smile. After a moments silence, he groaned suddenly as the implications of his house being watched all night sank in, "shit" he muttered softly.

Ruth looked at him worriedly, "What?"

"Whoever's watching will know that you came over and stayed over last night, by now it'll have been reported to the DG, Home Secretary and god knows who else." He walked over to the kitchen table and sank heavily into his chair.

"That really doesn't matter," she answered softly, "whatever people want to think they'll think anyway."

"You've changed your tune!"

"Sorry?"

"Wasn't it people knowing about us and gossiping about us that sent you running in the first place?"

"Harry, that was four years ago," Ruth exclaimed, "a lifetime ago." She shook her head briefly, "I know that that hurt you at the time and I'm sorry for that, but you have to believe now, that that was one of my biggest regrets."

Harry looked up at her sharply and immediately regretted moving his head quite so quickly, "what?"

"Letting what other people think take precedence over what I wanted." She walked further into the kitchen and noticed a undrunk, now cold cup of tea sitting on the kitchen top, "look, how about I make us both another cup of tea seeing as you haven't got around to drinking this yet."

"You're avoiding answering my questions again Ruth." Harry sighed, his head falling into his hands as he leaned heavily onto the table on his elbows.

"I'm not Harry, I promise you I'm not, but I don't know about you, but I could murder a cup of tea." She looked over at him to where he was still sat leaning forward with his face covered by his hands and felt a wave of empathy sweep through her for him. "While I'm doing that, why don't you fix us some toast," she added softly, "neither of us ate much yesterday and you'll almost certainly start feeling a little better with some food in your stomach."

He didn't answer her, but slowly sat back before getting to his feet and heading to the breadbin. They worked in silence together, outwardly each seemingly focused on the small task in front of them, while inwardly, both their brains were churning. Each had a strong sense of misapprehension about the conversation which was seemingly on the horizon, so while Harry buttered the toast and Ruth added the milk to the tea, the tension in the kitchen rose incrementally.

* * *

"What did you mean?" Harry asked, when they were both sat down, with a cup of tea and a plate of toast in front of them.

"About regretting listening to others?" Ruth toyed with her mug, running her finger round the rim while she waited for its contents to cool slightly.

"Yes."

She took a bite of her toast, chewing slowly and swallowed before answering while taking time to mull over his question. "I suppose I meant that as soon as I left after Cotterdam... or before that really, I realised that the only person I was hurting by worrying what others were saying about me, and about you, was myself." At Harry's sharp intake of breath, she added quickly, "and you, I never meant to hurt you."

"So why did you?" He spoke quietly, it was one thing he'd never really understood, mainly because he couldn't give a damn what anyone thought of him, either then, or to this very day - apart from Ruth that was, he cared very much what she thought of him. "Why did you let them get to you?"

"I was scared, people focusing on me, talking about me behind my back," she took a deep breath, "I hated it. I hated it then and I still hate it now."

Harry looked over the table at her, his features softening slightly. "No one likes that Ruth, surely you know that?"

"I do know that" she smiled over the table at him, "I came to realise it shortly before I left, I overheard Jo and Ros talking about us, neither of them really said anything much, but it made me realise that whatever we did, people were always going to speculate. After that I thought it was just going to be a case of time, at some point in the near future we'd have taken that next step and bugger what people thought... and then..."

"And then you had to go into exile" he finished her sentence for her.

She nodded, "Yes, and it was then that I really started regretting things. Not just you, though that was possibly my biggest regret, but so many other times in my life as well, when I'd taken the safer option and then suddenly, out of the blue playing it safe hadn't helped me at all and my life wasn't my own any more."

"You didn't play it safe over Cotterdam Ruth. If you'd have done as I had wanted then you'd have been free."

"And I'd have been spending my Sunday afternoons visiting you in jail... I don't think so Harry." She didn't notice his slightly pleased look at her admission that she would have theoretically visited him and continued, "anyway there was no choice. Mace was determined to plough ahead with his version of what the Security Services stood for, and you were the only person who could have stopped that."

"I didn't do a great job on that front," Harry sighed wearily, "last I heard, Mace was quite pally with the PM and was looking for away to re-enter the service."

"Men like Mace never truly go away, you just have to keep fighting them on all fronts." She took a mouthful of her tea, "I'm fed up of having to think about others all the time..." She looked up at him, "don't you ever wish all this would just go away and life could be simple and straightforward?"

"Like Cyprus was for you?" Harry questioned sadly.

"No, that's not what I meant," Ruth said wearily, "Cyprus was a different life, I was a different person. I wasn't Ruth Evershed there, I was someone completely different."

"A name is just a name Ruth, it doesn't change the person."

"But that's the point," she said quickly, "I was a different person, it wasn't just a name change. I know I'm not a field agent, but my life in Cyprus in many ways was like living a legend, which theoretically I was." At Harry's questioning look she went on, "I was completely different to how I was before I left London, I was braver, I acted differently, I took decisions Ruth Evershed would never have taken because I had to. I'd made up my mind to have no more regrets and I started to live for each day rather than spending hours worrying over things at night."

Harry looked over at her curiously, "Is that how George happened?" he asked gently.

"In a way, yes. I was also desperately lonely." She started picking at the crumbs left by the toast on her plate. "While I was here, I had the work to fill me life and you… "she stopped what she was about to say and continued on a different tack. "There, the days were endless, my work was simple and I left it at work, I found I needed something more and then I met George."

"And fell in love." Harry said quietly.

"No, well yes." Ruth wondered how to best explain something that she never fully understood herself. "I did love him, but probably not in the way you're thinking. I cared for him very much but most of all I liked the way I was when I was with him."

"Such as?" he probed.

"I was freer, more confident, I became a different person in so many ways to the person I was in London. I became the person I often wished I could have been." Ruth smiled back at the memory.

"And what happened to that person?" Harry questioned.

"What do you mean?"

"When you came back, obviously it was a very traumatic time, but you seemed to get past that and I could see glimpses of the person you just described to me now..." He didn't know how to continue but knew it had to be done if there was any hope of them getting past the impasse they seemed to have made for themselves."But then..."

"But then what?" she asked.

"But after I asked you what I asked you," Harry faltered slightly, not wanting to get caught up in all the reasons she had said no to him again. It had been difficult enough to hear the first time without wading through it all again. He continued his train of thought, "it was as if an impenetrable wall came round you, you seemed to change overnight."

Ruth's face coloured as she heard his description, it hurt even more as she knew he was right. "I know..." Ruth looked down at the table, "I have no excuses or reasons to offer, to explain it to you Harry. In all honesty, I don't know if I even understand it myself."

"Can you try and explain it … please." Harry looked at her, hoping that the bubble they seemed to have built around themselves in the early morning would let her be honest with him. It seemed that at that moment, they were the only two people in the world, even Scarlett had retired to her bed once the last of the toast has disappeared and was now presumably dreaming of chasing rabbits.

"It's difficult to put it into words," Ruth knew that wasn't the answer he'd been hoping for, but despite how out of her comfort zone she currently was, she attempted to channel 'brave Ruth' and give him an answer that he could understand. "I hadn't even realised what I was doing, how I was acting until yesterday."

"Yesterday?" He said in disbelief, the word coming out slightly louder than he intended.

"Yes yesterday. I said to you when I was in hospital the other day, that I was dead inside and unable to feel anything, or words to that effect." she tried to explain.

"Yes."

"And then yesterday, when I thought that you'd been killed, the pain I felt... it was indescribable, as if every feeling that I'd blocked out over the last few months suddenly all came rushing in together. I realised that I'd fallen back into my old ways, but had taken it even further this time." Ruth took a moment as tears came to her eyes. "It hurt a lot when I lost George and maybe I was trying to protect myself from feeling like that again, but the pain when I thought I'd lost you, well that was hell..."

Harry sat back, his thumping head had rescinded slightly with the painkillers he'd taken an hour previously and the toast had somewhat settled his stomach, but he suddenly felt a little light-headed. "Did you ever think of me, of how you were affecting me at all?"

"While I was in Cyprus? Of course I..."

"No." Harry interrupted, "over the last few months." Standing from his chair, he picked up his mug and plate and moved over to deposit them on the kitchen counter.

"I...I" Ruth faltered not knowing quite how to answer that question while Harry returned to the same position he'd been in when she came into the kitchen earlier. Standing, staring out of the window pensively.

"I love you Ruth, you know that."

"And I.." Ruth started to feel butterflies tearing through her stomach, she'd thought that by admitting he feelings that everything between them would suddenly be ok, but she was getting the horrible feeling that she might have pushed Harry too far, once too often... as unintentional as that may have been.

"Let me finish, please." he spoke softly but firmly. "I love you and I think you love me as well. But I don't know that that's enough anymore. I always thought that that was all that mattered, but after yesterday I realise that it isn't,,,,."

"Harry?" tears welled again in Ruth's eyes and started rolling down her cheeks silently as she pleaded with him to not go down this route. "Please..." she whispered hoarsely, "we can sort this out, we have to sort this out."

He continuing to stare out of the window, not noticing Ruth's distress in the reflection and not hearing her softly spoken words through the cacophony of thoughts raging through his mind, he continued speaking quietly, "maybe we've had our time and missed it... or maybe we were just never meant to be?"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

This turned out to be a rather longer chapter than I expected. Thank you for all the reviews so far, each one is much appreciated and thank you to everyone who has taken time out to read this. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.

xxxxxxx

"You can't mean that," Ruth choked out quietly through her tears, hardly able to believe the words he was saying to her, "you can't really think that after all of this? She said, her voice starting to raise slightly.

He turned round from the window he'd been staring out of slowly, as the words she was saying started to slowly penetrate through his psyche. "I can't mean or think what Ruth...?"

"That this... us," she indicated between the two of them with her hand, "that this is the end, that we're over."

"We're not over Ruth," he said quietly, "we never really began... you never let us have that chance." He moved to sit back down at the table, "I thought this was what you wanted?"

She shook her head futilely as she tried to compose herself, "No, I don't know what I want... but I don't want this," she stuttered, not even making sense to herself, but knowing that she had to say something, do something before Harry disappeared from her life altogether.

Belatedly he realised she had tears in her eyes and clearly quite a number had escaped to run down her cheeks; he took a deep breath, leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. How the hell had they come to be having a conversation like this so early in the morning, especially given that she seemed to be functioning on only a few hours sleep, was obviously feeling very emotional after the events of yesterday and he probably still had most of the contents of a very good single malt running through his bloodstream - 'we really pick our times,' he thought to himself. Opening his eyes and seeing her become ever more distressed, he stood up again and moved to a cupboard to take out a box of tissues which he handed to her. "Here, take these," he said softly, one of his hands coming to rest on her shoulder which he rubbed slightly awkwardly; women crying always made him feel incredibly uncomfortable, especially if he was the one that had caused it... which had often been the case for much of his life.

She plucked a couple out, wiped her eyes and blew her nose, "thank you," she said, her voice unsteady

"How about I make us both another cup of tea?" Harry said awkwardly, "give you a couple of minutes to yourself. The downstairs toilet is just through there," he indicated to a door leading off the hallway, "or you can use the bigger bathroom upstairs if the sink in there isn't big enough."

She stood up carefully, "Thanks, I found them both last night," she indicated back to the living room, "after I decided to stay. I will take you up on that if that's okay." she said, moving towards the open door, intent on washing her face and praying that her eyes and nose hadn't become red and swollen which was often the case after she'd been crying.

Harry turned his attention to filling the kettle and switching it back on. He hadn't expected her response if he was honest with himself. He'd known that she'd still cared for him, even through all her frostiness towards him over the last few months but he'd thought that after what he'd just said to her, that she'd have left, slightly relieved that he'd taken the decision to try and let her go. He thought back over the last few months; there had been the occasional moment, where what he felt was the real Ruth had shone through momentarily, when he'd caught her off-guard, only for the walls to go back up when she realised who it was she was bantering with and talking too. Even her recent reaction, moments ago, had him doubting himself; was she really upset that he was effectively consigning them to the history books, or was it more of a gut reaction that he'd no longer be around as her safety net. And even it was the former, who was to say that she wouldn't change her mind again as she'd had a tendency to do so in the past, once she'd had a chance to think things through and start to pick her feelings apart and over analyse the situation.

* * *

He was just setting the mugs down on the table when she came back in, "you okay?" he asked kindly, she had washed her face and the residue of the tears had disappeared although her eyes still retained a red tinge to them.

She nodded, "I'm fine... sorry for bursting into tears on you," she added, "I just didn't expect all this."

"All what?"

"This," she indicated between the two of them; "Us... finally having a conversation about all this." She hesitated, "the other day when you said that neither of us was emotionally forthright... was that about you and me as well?"

"Everything seems to be about you and me," Harry sighed. "I don't know what I was referring to in all honesty, whether it was us, or about the boy... Nico. I just wanted to let you know that I cared... that I was there for you and I'd do what it took to try and protect you, that I wouldn't let anything like the Cotterdam incident happen to you again."

"Maybe that's where we've been going wrong all these years," Ruth took a sip of her tea, pulling back as she realised how hot it still was. "Me giving up everything to try and save you over Cotterdam, you doing the same for me over Albany." She paused, "I know I haven't treated you especially fairly over the last few months... or since my return really, but particularly since Ros's funeral but..."

"It was a difficult time for you," Harry interrupted, "I do understand at least some of what you've been going through."

"I know you do," Ruth reached over the table and took his hand, "and I'm sorry it's come to this, that I've pushed you to this; but what I wanted to say to you, was sorry."

Harry looked up at her with a slightly bemused expression, "sorry for what?" he asked as he turned his hand over to grip her fingers softly.

"Sorry for everything really," she squeezed his fingers as she willed herself to keep looking at his face rather than taking the easy way out and look down at the table instead. "The way I've treated you, the way I've spoken to you, the way I've been. I'm not saying that I understand it fully myself, because I don't and I don't want to start making any more excuses... But the main thing I'm sorry about, was telling you yesterday that it was wrong for you to love me, when you'd given up Albany to save my life."

Harry pursed his lips slightly, "you were angry," he stated in a matter of fact manner.

"I was angry, about what you'd given up... and I still struggling to get my head around it all in all honesty." She rubbed her thumb against his hand, deriving some comfort from the fact that he was listening to her, letting her try to explain her muddled thought process; "but the why you gave it up I understand - as a spy I know you shouldn't have done it, but as a man, made of flesh and blood, I do understand." She took another sip of her tea, "I thought about it a lot after you took yourself up to bed last night, and I realised that you were only doing what I'd have done in the same position... but maybe , completely unfairly, I thought that you would be stronger than me, expected you to be stronger than me."

"You don't know what you'd have done in that position." Harry said, slightly disconcerted by what she'd just told him.

"Yes," Ruth smiled sadly, "I do."

"You gave up your life to save me a few years ago, I was just returning the favour," Harry said with a wry smile.

"Is that all it was?" she asked, completely missing the irony and the depth of feeling behind his words, so focused was she on the table in front of her and their two hands linked across it.

"Of course it wasn't," he replied quickly, "I just couldn't let you die like that, not when I had the opportunity to save you. Of course, if things had gone to plan I'd have kept Albany and saved you too." He shrugged, " but the best laid plans of mice and men..."

"But what you gave up to save me, Harry... that's what I had.. have issues with," Ruth pulled her hand away from him before standing up and moving to the same place Harry had stood earlier, her arms around her body as she hugged herself. She did her level best to keep her voice steady and blameless, it wasn't what he'd done that she was struggling with , more what the ultimate consequences could be. "You gave up a genetic weapon... something that could wipe out millions... could wipe out nations..."

"I know," Harry replied quietly, "believe me, its been playing on my mind a bit too over the last few hours."

"Yet you seem to be more uneffec... hang on!" She spun around quickly as a thread of the conversation from the previous night came back to her, "last night, you said something about this too."

"I did?" Harry cast his mind back, he couldn't recall saying much at all. He winced internally knowing that when Ruth had hold of some thread in her brain, she was like a dog with a bone. It was what made her so good at her job.

"Yes..." Ruth cast her mind back trying to recall the exact words he'd used. "You were speaking to yourself as you left the room and you said something along the lines of, 'that it wasn't as if it worked anyway'".

Harry looked up, his face that had been open a moment ago, had suddenly turned into a granite mask. "Did I?"

"Yes you did. What did you mean?" She pushed, suddenly sensing there was more to this than she'd been told.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't be so bloody obtuse Harry!" She snapped suddenly, "this is something I have to live with hanging over me for the rest of my life."

"And I don't?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it..." She quietened suddenly, "how do you think I'll feel, listening to the news one day and suddenly hearing about a 'mystery disease' in China or Russia or Japan that's killing millions and knowing that I'm alive because of it while all these people are dying."

Seeing the anguish and pain on her face put a chink in his armour. "That won't happen..."

"You've said that a couple of time along with the cryptic comments... will you just tell me what is going on Harry... Please," she uttered softly at the end.

It was the final word that was the undoing of him, not the actual word, but more the way she said it. "What I'm going to tell you now, never leaves this room... do you understand?" he said firmly.

She nodded slowly, "I promise."

He indicated towards the table that she should sit down again and she did so, choosing this time to take a seat to the right of him, at the head of the table, rather than taking the chair she had earlier been occupying opposite him. "Until this afternoon what I'm about to tell you was known by less than 10 people on the planet," he began slowly, "that number has multiplied rather quickly since then but..."

"Go on Harry," she urged softly, once more taking one of his hands in hers, thinking that they'd both need the strength of the other for what he was about to tell her.

"Albany isn't quite the threat everyone believes it to be. As a pure biological weapon, it's actually harmless."

Ruth looked up at him in shock... "But?"

"But nothing, it was realised very early on that building such a genetic weapon was, fortunately," he added wryly, "an impossible task. There are far too many variables."

"But..."

"Word that Britain was working on such a capability in the 1980's somehow got leaked and despite the scientists realising pretty early on that it was never going to work, my predecessor realised that when it came down to it, it didn't really matter if it worked or not... it was the threat that was the important element. It was something that could never be used, but the threat of it, combined with the rumours that circulated around about it, was enough to use it as a strong deterrent. Don't attack the UK, because if it comes down to it, we could wipe out half your population without you even realising that such a thing had been released until it was too late." Harry grimaced in distaste at the politics and game-playing that happened in international espionage. It was a part of the job description that he was well versed in, but it always left him with a slightly dirty taste in his mouth.

Ruth's shoulders sagged in relief as his words started to sink in, "and you knew all this yesterday? You knew what Albany really was before you exchanged it with Luc.. John Bateman?"

Harry nodded in the affirmative. "Yes," he said gently, "when my predecessor retired, he passed the information onto me. Only a very select group of people knew the truth about it."

"Who else?" Ruth said, partly out of shock; her mind was whirling and a wave of relief had travelled through her entire body. The feeling of guilt and nausea that had been gnawing away at her, started to ebb away.

"Myself, the DG, M over at Six, the PM and his 3 living predecessors and the two Chief Scientists over at Portland Down." Harry counted them all down methodically.

"That's it?"

"Yes. It was decided early on to keep it on a need to know basis only. The Home Secretary obviously found out yesterday as well, as did the Foreign Secretary. Neither of them were particularly happy to realise that they'd been kept in the dark." Harry looked at her with a disdainful look on his face, meant for the politicians, not her. "No doubt half of Whitehall knows all about it by now."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"That it wasn't real?"

"Yes."

"When?" He asked sadly, "I hardly got a chance to speak with you alone after we'd located you and you were hardly in the mood for a tete a tete."

Ruth looked down shamefacedly, "I wasn't fair on you Harry, even when..."

"Let's not keep going over this," he said gently, "It doesn't matter. If I'm being honest, I hadn't planned to tell you, I wasn't really allowed to tell you."

"But surely..."

"But nothing Ruth. The Chinese realised very quickly that they'd been sold a dud, negotiations between London and Beijing have essentially concluded that both sides are going to keep their mouths closed about this. It's known that the Chinese stole Albany in the international community, it's not known that it's a fake. We've agreed to keep our mouths closed that it doesn't work and they've agreed to not let it be known that it was attained with the assistance of 2 British traitors... plus I think there's another few clauses added to that."

"Two British traitors?" Ruth looked puzzled for a moment before realising who else he was referring too... "Oh Harry, they can't class you and that.. that.. bastard," she spat out the last word viciously, "as the same?"

"Unfortunately it appears to be that way, and I did give it to him to pass onto the Chinese."

"But you never meant it to..."

"What I meant to happen is rather a moot point now. I made a decision and I misjudged it, I thought I would be able to stop him one way or the other."He looked own at the table pensively, "it sounds stupid I know; but even after he'd taken you, even after he'd threatened to let you die, there was still a small part of me that thought he'd come to his senses, that the old Lucas would suddenly reappear and realise what he was doing."

"And he didn't." Ruth said quietly, "don't blame yourself for that Harry, I thought exactly the same thing when he had me."

"I guess it's difficult to believe that someone you thought you knew and trusted could do an about face and be someone completely different." Harry sighed heavily, "though why I'm still shocked by human nature surprises me... the number of people over the years that haven't been who they seemed to be and have betrayed me is getting to be rather a long list, Connie, Tessa, Mace, Blake. Christ even Adam and Ros both dabbled in it..."

"I suppose I can be grouped in with that list," Ruth replied sadly.

"What? No," Harry looked at her confused, "we may have had a number of issues on the personal front over the years, but professionally you've never let me down."

"Not even when I was spying for GCHQ when I first arrived," Ruth joked lightly, a small smile on her face.

"Bloody hell, I'd clean forgotten about that..." He laughed quickly, "Fortunately your 'double agent' status lasted about 5 minutes, you were much easier to read in those days," he added.

"I've changed, we've both changed, but the core of us hasn't." Ruth spoke confidently as if she'd finally worked out what to say to him. "I know I've been incredibly difficult to be around the last few months, it's just, I don't know... I always thought that if we could keep our distance from each other, then it wouldn't hurt as much if something did happen to you. When you asked me to marry you, I don't think I explained myself very well."

"I don't think you explained yourself at all." Harry said softly, but not unkindly.

"I know, I panicked, and then I tried to explain again but made things a hundred times worse. What I think I was trying to say, what I really felt, was that I didn't want to go through the pain I felt when I left you for the first time, so I tried to switch myself off... I also thought that if we were together then I'd be targeted as your weak spot and people would try and use me against you like they did a few years ago."

"Ruth, I know..."

"Please Harry, let me finish." She took a deep breath before continuing, "What I'm trying to say, is that yesterday.. well last night really, I realised that all I'd been doing was hurting myself... and you, because when it came down to it, Lucas targeted me anyway to get to you and it hurt like hell when I thought he'd killed you... me trying to lock myself down achieved exactly nothing."

"Ruth, what are you saying?"

"When Lucas captured me, I told him that you'd asked me to marry you and that I'd turned you down, I was trying to convince him that you wouldn't give up Albany for me, that we were nothing..."

"What did he say?" Harry asked curiously. From the way Ruth had been acting and the things she'd been saying, he felt he was getting the first real glimpse of her, of her emotions that he'd seen in a long time, and if he'd have had to guess, he'd have thought that someone had said something to her... he hadn't expected it to be Lucas though.

"He just looked at me as though I was mad, and asked why, why would I turn you down because I loved you." Ruth looked over at him to see how he was taking her news, His face was the same as it had been, nothing was been given away, but his eyes had changed, become softer somehow.

"Lucas said that?:

She nodded, "I said it was because it was all so complicated between the two of us, but I think I'm realising that I've been the one that's actively been making it complicated, shutting you out when you've been trying to help or just be nice to me."

"Ruth..." he implored.

"No Harry, I've realised that everyone somehow realises that there's something between us, and we're always going to be targeted as each others weak points. Beth told me after you'd left, that when you received the phone call from Lucas, she and Dimitri both knew straightaway that you were going to make the swap, even when you told them it was out of the question, at the back of her mind there was something that made her disbelieve you...and her instincts were proved right." She squeezed his fingers tightly, "Ignoring you and being down right rude to you at times over the last few months hasn't made anyone see us differently, it's as if to the outside world that we're together a couple, regardless of how we act with each other."

"And the way I gave up Albany, has that made you see me differently?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yes... No..."

"Which is it Ruth?"

"I was angry when you gave up Albany, furious really. I didn't and still don't think I'm worth the lives of so many other people... but, if I'd have been in your position and it had been you that was taken... I'd have done the same thing you did... except I probably wouldn't have had a plan to get it back in backup."

"My plan B failed Ruth."

"I know." She smiled, "things would be a lot simpler from a work perspective if it had worked!"

"Do you feel differently now you know it was a fake?"

"No... Don't get me wrong, I'm unbelievably relieved that it's essentially harmless, but I didn't know it was a fake until a few minutes ago and when I was asking myself these questions last night, believing it to be real, I would still have handed it over for you... even though I know how wrong that would have been and I don't know how I would have lived with myself afterwards."

"Then why would you..."

"Why would I have done it."She interrupted him, "because I couldn't have bared to live, knowing that I'd been the cause of your death and could have saved you."

Harry nodded, "it was a similar thing for me," he admitted quietly, "though I had the luxury of knowing it didn't work and that you were worth far more that Albany ever would or could be... well in my eyes anyway. And you've already given up so much for this country."

"A better resource for the country," Ruth said softly, "is that why you did it?"

Harry shook his head, "you know it wasn't Ruth, don't go looking for hidden meanings in my words when there is none," he said firmly, "that's partially what's got us into this mess, talking at cross purposes half the time."

She nodded and squeezed his hand tightly, "sorry... God I seem to be saying that to you a lot at the moment."

"Well maybe you should stop," he said softly, "what's happened as happened, we should move on from this."

"Did you mean what you said earlier?" Ruth asked suddenly, as the words 'we move on from this' resonated with her. "Did you mean that we'd forfeited our chance and should move on from each other completely?" Tears welled in her eyes once again as she recalled their earlier words, before she brushed them away angrily, refusing to let herself cry again, "or are you willing to give us a second chance, give me a second chance...: she sniffed before emitting a huff of laughter, "well I say second chance... I should really say tenth chance or twentieth chance..."

"Is that what you really want Ruth, a second chance, or is this all just a reaction and you'll go back to pushing me away once you've had time to reflect and thing about things?" His heart suddenly felt like it was in his throat and he took a large mouthful of now stone cold tea to ease the sudden onset of nerves that had struck him.

Ruth shook her head vigorously, "that won't happen, I promise. I still don't know exactly what I do want..." as Harry went to interrupt her, she reached over and took hold of his other hand, squeezing them both with hers, willing him to understand where she was coming from. "But I do know that I can't bear for us to go back to the way we've been, I love you," she added softly, "and I want to give us a chance, see what we can do together, be like together if we give each other the chance to make each other happy." She looked over at him, "I know I don't really deserve this after what I've put you through, but I want to try and carve out some sort of future for us, something together, whether that means us staying in MI5 or leaving."

Harry looked her in the eye, his mind whirling. "Are you..."

"Yes I'm sure, if that's what you were going to say." Ruth said firmly, she felt lighter having said what she had and she couldn't believe that she'd been complicating things for no real reason for so long, when in truth, it was much easier to go in the direction she really wanted rather than trying to continuously swim against the tide. "It's over to you Harry... what do you want? Are you willing to forgive me for the way I've been these last few months?" She smiled across at him, her nerves showing on her face and in the tone of her voice, "Do you want a future with me... Together?"

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Well this is the fifth and final chapter of this story. With a large grain of salt, it could fit in with the canon version, given we don't know what happened between s9 &amp; 10, but it's equally if not more feasible for this to be AU - I just hope they appear to remain in character this chapter. Thanks to everyone who has read this story and particular thanks to all those who have taken the time to review. They are much appreciated.

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"A future? Together," Harry looked at her, slightly dumbstruck. "Is that what you really want Ruth?"

She nodded firmly and smiled nervously, "yes... I think so."

Harry pulled his hands away from hers to rub them wearily across his face; he suddenly felt like he'd slipped into another dimension. He had really thought after their conversation in his office yesterday, that that was it. Whatever is was between them, whatever it had been, was finally over... and now it seemed it may have been the catalyst to actually get Ruth thinking clearly and bring them together. 'Maybe I should have committed treason and gone off to get myself killed years ago' he thought to himself, his dark sense of humour suddenly creeping up on him. "You think so?" he said outwardly, trying not to display any real reaction or emotion to her words.

"Yes... and I didn't mean I think so like that," she waved her arms about in front of her while trying to think what to say. "I meant... well you know what I meant," she said with a shy smile, really hoping that he did understand what she was trying, and failing to put into words.

Harry felt a feeling of happiness infuse his body, though that was quickly tempered by the realisation, that when it came down to it, it might not matter at all what he wanted, or what Ruth wanted for that matter. He wasn't in the position to be making any decisions on his future, given that there were bound to be consequences and potentially very serious consequences to his actions the previous day. "I know what you mean,: he said smiling back at her, their faces both mirroring the others expressions. Small smiles, smiling eyes and a slight look of bewilderment, that after the previous five years they'd finally got to this point. Taking hold of her hand again, he turned it over with one hand holding in gently, while using his other hand to trace the lines and folds gently with his fingers. "You are aware though, that whatever we want, may be impossible anyway?"

"Well given you haven't answered my question," Ruth responded with a playful tone to her voice, "then there's no use worrying about what's possible or impossible at this stage."

Harry laughed suddenly, a quick chortle that inexplicably reminded Ruth of Muttley from the old Wacky Races cartoon she had watched as a child. 'Touche," he responded quickly. He picked up her hand from where he had held it in his grasp and turned it over so he could kiss the inside of her wrist by her pulse point gently, "I would like us to be... very much."

Ruth felt a slight shiver go through her at the kiss and blushed slighted at both the intimate gesture and the relief his words brought her. "I'm glad," she said softly.

"But I wasn't being obtuse a minute ago. I'm not in a position to make any decisions about my future right now."

Ruth looked puzzled, "what do you mean? Surely you don't think..."

"Anything could happen." Harry answered her unasked question. "There will be consequences to the actions I took yesterday, what I did and what I gave away."

"But it was harmless... Albany wasn't a real threat."

"But it was a deterrent... a big one at that," Harry sighed, "it was also a state secret."

"But."

"No buts Ruth. I knew there would be consequences when I made that decision... now it's just a case of finding out what those consequences actually are," he said morosely.

"After all you've done for this country!" Ruth's voice rose in indignation.

"We both know it doesn't work like that," he replied gently. "I committed treason, now I have to pay the price... and whatever happens, I'll respect that decision." Harry gripped her fingers tightly. "I knew what I was doing, there are no excuses. I'll respect whatever actions they see fit to impose on me."

"What do you think will happen?"

Harry shrugged. "The way the Home Secretary was talking last night then who knows. I think that at more than one point, he was ready to throw me in the Tower of London and throw away the key!"

Ruth looked past his attempt to make light of the situation and saw his statement for what it actually was. "They couldn't... they wouldn't send you to prison over this?"

"Who knows... in some ways I'm lucky." He looked down at the table top and hoped she was understanding the true gravity of the situation.

"What do you mean?" she asked curiously. 'Lucky' was one word that she'd never have used to describe Harry Pearce.

"The security services have had some bad press lately. The last thing the Government needs right now is this on the front page of the news. A Senior Intelligence Official committing treason and another Officer, who wasn't who he'd claimed to be, managing to fool everyone for over 10 years." Harry smiled darkly, "the papers would whip up a storm and there's no way this could go to trial, either civilian or military, without the press finding out."

"They've blacked things out before?"

Harry pursed his lips, "Not really, not in the age of the internet. We can stop the press publishing stuff, or newsreaders spouting off on TV... random bloggers or social media are another matter altogether."

Ruth looked pensive, though she'd known intellectually that Harry really had risked both his life and his career for her... she hadn't really put any thought behind what would happen to Harry from a service or career sense going forward; her thoughts had been too consumed over the past 12 hours on the man behind the position, rather than the Section Head of Counter Terrorism for MI5. "So if a jail sentence isn't overly likely, what else can they do?" she asked worriedly.

"It depends. At one end of the scale I could get a slap on the knuckles and sent back to work," he shuffled heavily in his seat, "but I really don't think they'll take that option at this stage. At the other end they could give me a dishonourable discharge from the service and decommission me, put me under house arrest or home detention... and although a stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure isn't likely, it's still a possibility."

Ruth looked horrified, "did Towers tell you this?"

Harry shook his head, "No, but it's what I've seen happen to others over the years. These things can spiral, remember what happened to Zoe."

Ruth nodded slowly before looking up in horror, "they wouldn't send you into exile like they did with her surely?"

Harry chuckled, "I very much doubt it... but until things have calmed down and some discussions have taken place at Thames House and Whitehall, then I really am in a state of limbo... and it wouldn't be fair to you to start something when that's the case."

"Given I've hardly been fair to you for quite sometime, I think that fairness is something we can look past." Ruth said firmly. "I meant what I said Harry, I'm not going to run this time."

"Thank you." He took her hands in his rubbing his thumbs over her knuckles, "but I still don't think this is the right time for us to be making any decisions."

Ruth nodded slowly."I do see where you're coming from... and while I don't think the consequences will be as severe as you're expecting …"

"We don't..." he interrupted.

"And maybe I'm being naïve at that," she continued as if he hadn't said anything, "but lets not make any decisions now."

Harry nodded slowly, "so where does that leave us?" He asked sadly, he knew this was the right course of action to take, but he he couldn't help but be a little unhappy, that what he'd wanted for so long was now out of his grasp again... even if it was just being postponed this time.

Ruth looked over at his downcast face and finally made a decision she'd been toying with over the last five minutes. Pulling her hands away from him, she stood up and moved round the table quickly, before her nerves could stop her she placed her right hand on his cheek, before leaning in and kissing him softly. It was a chaste kiss that only lasted for several seconds before she pulled back a couple of inches and looked at his confused but slightly elated expression. "We don't have to make any decisions just now," she murmured softly to him, "but I think we've waited long enough for this haven't we?"

Harry's response was a soft smile that finally made it to his eyes, as he moved his hand up to first cup her face, then softly moved it around the back of her head, before pulling her in for another longer deeper kiss. She tasted of tea and the toothpaste she'd obviously borrowed earlier in the morning when she'd been sorting herself out. Seconds ticked by as they they both lost themselves in the feel of each others mouths and lips before they were rudely interrupted by a loud noise.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Startled by the cacophony of noise they simultaneously both pulled back from the other; Harry in shock, while Ruth bore more of a look of frustration. "What the hell is that?" Harry asked loudly over the din, the noise had also woken Scarlett from her slumber and she now jumped up and started to add to the noise by barking at whatever it was to try and get it to stop.

"Sorry...sorry." Ruth rushed over to her bag, colour suffusing her face as she searched for the offending item. Bringing her phone out of her bag, she swiped furiously at a couple of buttons and the horrendous sound disappeared as quickly as it started.

"It's alright Scarlett," Harry tried to soothe the small dog to get her to settle rather than the jumping up and whining she was currently doing. "What was that?" he asked Ruth looked over at her from where he had lifted Scarlett to his knee and was now petting her as she calmed down.

"God, I'm sorry." Ruth was still slightly red in the face, though she wasn't sure if that was the after effects of their kiss or the embarrassment in the way it had ended. "That was my alarm."

"Your alarm?" Harry looked amazed, "you have to listen to that every day?"

Ruth nodded, "I put it out of reach in my room, it's the only thing that makes me get out of bed some mornings."

"There are slightly more pleasant ones," Harry huffed, his heart was still racing from the surprise of what he'd thought was a foghorn being blasted mere metres from his ear.

"I know, I can sleep through the nicer ones and ignore them." Ruth was feeling more and more embarrassed, "this is a special one that I downloaded purely because it's so obnoxious and I only use it because I hate it so much. It's timed to go off at this time every morning and I jump out of bed every morning to shut it up."

Harry smiled broadly at her shamefaced explanation, "well I think it's probably knocked a few years off my life," he joked setting a now much calmer Scarlett back on the floor as he did so.

"Sorry," Ruth muttered again, putting her phone back in her bag as she apologised.

"Don't be." Harry stood up and walked the few short steps to where she was standing. "I'm just sorry it interrupted something I've wanted to do for a long time." He leaned in towards her and kissed her firmly once more before pulling back. "I thought we weren't going to make any decisions on our future?" He questioned, "I thought you agreed that we should adhere to the status quo?"

"That's not what I said," Ruth smiled up at him. He was leaning back against his kitchen table, his hair was mussed up, he badly needed a shave as her reddened lips could testify and his eyes were still slightly bloodshot from the over inebriation the night before; she felt another wave of warmth run through her as she looked at him. This certainly wasn't how she'd ever pictured their first morning together in his house, or for that matter, their first kiss since the docks a number of years ago, but she suddenly realised that it felt right and this was the first time she'd felt that level of comfort in a long time, even with all the uncertainty over what fate would befall Harry in the long-term. "I meant that we shouldn't rush into anything and I still think that." She took hold of the lapels on his dressing gown and gripped them softly. "Let's use this time to get to know one another again," she added gently, "go out for dinner, go to the theatre or a museum, maybe even go away for a weekend... if we get the chance, if you're allowed out?" She hoped he'd understand what she was saying. She wasn't ready for another marriage proposal, they weren't ready as a couple for marriage; but this time could be put to good use by getting to know one another properly and finding out if the love they felt for each other, would translate to a proper relationship. She felt confident it would, but that was something only time would confirm.

"That sounds nice," Harry smiled down at her, before pulling her in for a warm hug. "I'm glad you came over last night," he whispered into her hair, "and I'm glad you stayed."

Ruth nodded into his chest, "me too", she confirmed, wrapping her arms firmly round him as he rested his chin against the top of her head.

A couple of minutes passed in a comfortable silence with them holding each other closely before Harry pulled back. "As much as I hate to say this and spoil the moment, your alarm going off earlier probably means that you should get going." He rubbed his hand across the stubble on his chin, "and I need to go and have a shower and a shave before heading off to the Home Office to see what course of action they have in mind for me today."

"Of course," Ruth pulled back slowly from him, "you're right. I need to go and get changed and then get back onto the Grid." She gripped his hand, "once I'm there I'll monitor the chatter, see if there's anything I can find out that might help you."

"Thank you..." Harry looked down at his feet. "What I said earlier about the house being monitored is very likely. Chances are that the team on the Grid will already know that you've spent the night here, you know how quickly gossip spreads."

"I don't care Harry," Ruth spoke quietly but determinedly, "I meant what I said earlier as well. That really doesn't bother me anymore, I'm a different person now to who I was then. Plus I think the team will be more worried about you than any gossip that might be flying around."

"After the stunt I pulled on Beth and Dimitri yesterday I don't think they'll be too concerned at my welfare." Harry countered.

"You underestimate yourself," Ruth answered quietly, "they care a great deal, all of Section D do, you know that. Whatever happens you'll have the full support of your team... I'll make sure of it!" She said determinedly. She picked up her coat and shrugged it on as she made her way to the front door, Harry and Scarlett both following behind her. "Good luck for today," she said reaching up again to kiss him goodbye.

"Thank you, I think I'll need it." He returned the kiss and added another one for good measure. "I was thinking... if things stay the same and I'm not carted off to Wormwood Scrubs at some point today or somewhere equally illustrious, then maybe you and I could have dinner tonight?"

"Don't even joke about it Harry," she scolded lightly "That's not going to happen... prison that is." Smiling she continued, "dinner would be nice though."

"Given I'm likely to at least have a tail for the foreseeable future, what would you like to do?" Harry looked a little shell-shocked, despite everything that had passed between them that morning, a little part of him had still expected her to find an excuse.

Ruth looked at his face, she had seen the tell-tale shadow that had ghosted across it and knew it would take time for him to fully be able to trust her, to realise that she had no intention of running again, "We could give your tail something to really gossip about and go out," seeing the look of apprehension crossing his face she continued, "or we could eat here," she said gently, "get a take away and bottle of wine and make a night of it."

Harry nodded, "That sounds good, I'll call you later once I know what's happening."

That's fine," she opened the door, "I'll look forward to it." She stood up on her toes, pressing her lips against his to give him one final kiss goodbye. "Maybe I could bring a change of clothes this time?"

He smiled broadly, "that'd be very nice." He said as she started walking down the steps. Once she was halfway down the path he called out to her "just make sure you cancel that bloody alarm before you came over if you're bringing a change of clothes with you. I don't think I could cope with that sound two mornings in a row."

She grinned and waved at him in response as she got in the car, "I will," she laughed, "I'll do it now."

Harry watched her car until it had turned the corner at the end of the street before closing the door behind him and going back into the house. For all the uncertainty and unpleasantness he was sure would be heaped on him in the coming days and weeks, for the first time in a long time he had a sense that everything would turn out to be okay in the end; and that maybe, finally, he and Ruth had stumbled across something that would work for them on a personal level.

THE END


End file.
